Wind up Banged up?

So I am making a quick trip across the Atlantic a week Friday for a long weekend. It is a surprise visit to see Rose; a birthday treat. I am bouncing through Chicago O'Hare and I have eighty-five minutes from touchdown to take off, needing to clear immigration and customs, then hop from Terminal 5 to Terminal 1, check in for the flight to DFW, then board.

So you might imagine that the last thing on my mind would be to wind up a TSA employee. You'd be wrong for two reasons. Last time I went through Chicago, around May '05 I think, there was this TSA guy who was a real hoot, having the craic with everyone in line. That leads me to believe the TSA have a sense of humour, deep deep deep undercover. Secondly I want to get back at those mothertruckers for last time (see the '...Rubber Gloves' blog posting)

Here's the deal; I will be carrying hand luggage only, due to the short turnaround at Chicago and the fact that I will only be staying in TX three nights - even I can travel light for a three night trip, notwithstanding my toiletries and CDs. But I will be bringing back some bits and bobs for Rose, clothes mainly, ahead of her permanent UK return in the summer. So I will be packing this kit bag which, when unfolded, looks like a sleeper carriage for a female gymnast. This thing is fookin' huge as bags go.

So I want to tell the TSA guy (or girl) that the folded up kitbag is to;

facilitate the safe carriage of an emmigrant midget family that has been hiding out in the TX hill country, near the town of Shitkickerville

or to

allow me to transport my celebrity midget from TX to Manchester, UK, for the 14th Annual Pro Celebrity Midget Throwing World Cup, for which I am the defending champion (I am a big, strong guy so this is feasible).

Let me know what you think. Which is your preferred option? Do you have any better (and by that I mean funnier) options? How do you rate my chances of making that connection at O'Hare? How do you shoot a friend accidentally with bird shot? Did Cheney think the poor old bastard was a Dove? Answers to all, some, none, or more of these questions ASAP to the comments page.

As Ben Stiller says in Starsky and Hutch ,

(bad Noo Joyzee Mobster accent).
Do it!
...Do it!